Leaving Church

I am in that unenviable “between churches” zone. The process of visiting other churches is awkward. I feel like I am a kid going to a new school. In many social situations I already feel as if I am standing outside looking in through a window to a party to which I was not invited. If the church is large, it is not as much of a problem. Many of those people do not know each other so you can more easily blend in. Probably a reason why so many go – it is easy to hide. However, in small churches, everyone knows you are the new guy. I suppose it is awkward for some of them as well – they feel obliged to go make small talk with the new guy. Problem is, I hate small talk. I suspect that this awkwardness keeps people at churches longer than they know they should.

One point about our leaving our previous church, we stayed through several of the bloodlettings over several years. Many of the reasons people left were either incomprehensible or blatantly ego driven. I was pretty sure there was little prayer of examen or practicing of the spiritual disciplines through the process. You could easily judge it by its fruit – its wake of destruction. Nothing of value was produced through the process. An opportunity for some real discipleship, modeling, and learning was missed. Apparently, few had the balls to take that on. Was it too much to ask of our spiritual leaders to actually try to make their spirituality work? They crashed and burned – all of them. Where does that leave the schmuck in the pew? No one was paying that dude to try to make his spirituality work, he has no chance.

Despite all the out of shape spirituality going on, at the time, I had no interest in getting involved in the bloodletting. I figured as long as the kingdom (i.e, God acting) was present, I would ignore the triviality and try to sense the direction of the wind. Let them argue about where to plant the church flowers. The Spirit moves like the wind, undeterred, seeking attentive and willing apprentices to Jesus to establish beachheads for the kingdom. Interestingly, it could be sensed in the midst of the bloodletting, in unlikely places, places that were not being called attention to. Those kingdom places were perfect settings for perceiving the movement of God. Missed by most, perhaps due to the distraction of all the blood spilling around – self or other inflicted.

Church recapitulates life. It is a microcosm of the world.

Anyway, unfortunately, a reason to leave did come. I hate that it came at the tail end of a long series of flesh-eating. That association is unfortunate, as it is a spurious one. It was not about cult of personality. It was not from offense either taken or given. It was about me. Not so much ego (through can it ever not involve some aspect of the ego?) as need. I am a borderline agnostic. I need a community that is compelling in order to do what I feel I was destined to do. So I left in search for one, but not very optimistic. It feels more like meeting God in the desert than going to a movie, play, concert, lecture, or social gathering. Is there such a place? I will know it when I find it.